Rivers of thoughts

The words flow through my mind.
Like raging rivers after a torrential downpour.
Racing ever faster
Toward whatever end awaits.
The lone thought that I am looking for
Is somewhere in the midst
of the surging waters.
Lost to me
Until the storm subsides.
But it seems to be
That the storm is never ending.
Constantly flooding my mind.
Making it impossible to grasp
The one single thought
That I so desperately need to find.
That I need to capture.
One thought amid all the foam and spray.
Where is it?
I fear that my thoughts will forever be
Drowning in that torrent
Of the raging, frenzied river
That is my mind.

Renewal

No sooner do I post about finding strength than that strength is tested.  Boy what a day!  Woke up late to start with and that always makes for a not so fun start to the day.  Then I wasn't feeling good, mind scattered, headache.  Still grumpy when I picked N up from school and was not nice.  Her return attitude didn't help.  But when I needed it most I remembered my post from yesterday and was able to be strong.  We've gotten past the worst of it, thank heavens, and tomorrow is another day.  I am strong and I can handle whatever comes my way.

Finding Strength

Do you ever wonder where strength comes from?  I'm not talking physical strength, but that certain something that some people seem to have that helps them get through life.  I've always wondered because I never really believed that I had any.  I would watch other people and wonder to myself how they got through, how they dealt with all the things that people have to deal with.  I always feel like I'm falling apart when anything challenging comes up, like I'm just going to lose it at any minute.  I would look to those around me to hold me up believing that their strength and support is what made me strong, never really believing in my own ability to be strong.  Well guess what?  I found it!!!  In myself!  I am strong.  I don't need anyone else to make me strong.  Sure, there are times when it is good to lean on someone, let them support us.  But in the daily dealings of life, where I have always felt far less than adequate, I have learned that I can be strong.  I may not always do things right, make the right decision, or finish a project perfectly.  But, tell me, who does?  At least today, I feel like I could take on the world and win!  It's been inside of me the whole time.  Tomorrow is another day and that strength may falter, but now that I have put these words out there they are there to remind me of where I need to look when I need to be strong.

Thanks

Sometimes I forget,
To express my thankfulness.
My immense and sometimes overwhelming,
Gratitude and appreciation for,
Everything and everyone
That has ever been a part of my life.
Sometimes I forget,
That without all those
People, places, and things,
Events and adventures,
Miracles and misfortunes
I would not be.
I would not be
Who I am now,
Where I am now.
I would not know
The wonderful love, affection, friendship.
All those miraculous events in my life.
Sometimes I forget.

Why?

Why do I find myself doing things that I don't really want to be doing,
but unable to stop?
Why do I feel like I'm making excuses when I say
that I just can't stop myself?
I don't know why I can't stop.
I don't know how to change it.
How do I make myself stop?
Were that it was just as easy as saying to myself, "STOP!"
I yearn to find a way,
to make the changes that you want me to make.
I struggle every day,
trying to make myself change,
then feeling useless and helpless
when I get through another day
having done the same things as before.
I want to change, really.
I don't like feeling this way, being this way.
I really want to change!
Why can I not hold on to the strength of that statement?
And why do I feel like you don't believe me?

Where are you?

I keep looking.
I know you're there somewhere.
What are you hiding from?
Why won't you come out?
What?
I can't hear you.
You say there's a wall around you?
You can't find a way through?
You feel trapped.
I know that feeling.
Trapped.
Trapped inside myself.
Unable to find a way out.
Calling for help,
but nobody answers.
Where is everyone?
Why won't they help me?
I'm here, I'm here!
Somebody help me please!
I'm right here.
Is that you?
Yes, it's me....
The "me" you've always wanted to be.
I'm here but I can't find a way out.
Help me.
Please.

Musings

Do you ever wonder?
What would happen if....?
If....
I wonder what would happen.
What would happen if...
If I worked like I should,
what would happen?
If I had my emotions under control,
what would happen?
If my daughter could get some help,
what would happen?
If I felt better about myself,
what would happen?
I wonder, sure.
For some reason, though,
I cannot get a clear picture
of what would happen.
Would life be easier?
Would life be better?
Would I be happier?
I hope to find out.
Someday.