Friday, July 16, 2010


The beginning of another day.
It's going to be a good one!
I'm going to do something....
I will keep a positive attitude.
Today I will envision success.
I will set my goal
And strive to achieve it.
I will commend myself for any and all efforts
And remember that every little step
Gets me closer to my goal.
Today I will be successful.
What will you do today?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Straight from the heart

I don't understand.
All I want is...
To be a nice person.
To be kind and thoughtful.
To be capable.
For people to like me,
And want to be around me.
A confidant.
When I look in the mirror
All I see is...
How do I become the person I want to be?
Where is the instruction book?
Can't somebody tell me?
I'm lost.
So alone.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Long lost

Long ago lost
But never let go.
The pain sharp
As the mind and body struggle
To grasp the reality of the loss.
The one recently passed
Was not who you thought.
He fooled you, fooled everyone.
Led you on and made you believe
That he was still the same person.
Don't grieve now for the impostor.
Grieve for the true loss
That happened many years before.
When he allowed something else to take your place.
When he gave himself over
To the lure of the illusion.
That is the moment to grieve for.
The body may have given up recently,
But the spirit gave up long ago.

Friday, May 7, 2010


A crisis of identity
Not to be thwarted or set aside.
Who are you?
What are you?
A scared little girl?
A capable woman?
Wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend?
Is there room inside for all of them?
Can they all get along?
Share, cooperate, support?
How can one person find the time and energy
To be all of those people?
And what about me?
Can I just be me?
I'm not sure I even know
Who "me" is.

Monday, April 5, 2010


Butterfly lost
Fluttering this way and that
Looking for something
Where is it?
That flower it seeks?

Where could it be?
How did it get lost?
What will the butterfly do?

Slow down
Stop for a moment

Butterfly flying
With purpose, determination
On the right path now.

It was there all along
The knowledge
All the butterfly had to do
Was listen to it's heart.

Lost and found

As someone with ADHD I frequently misplace things.  I am constantly looking for my cell phone, my keys, papers.  A couple of weeks ago, though, I went looking for my notebook where I keep my writing.  I scoured the house looking for it.  I was frantic!  It was like a piece of me was missing and I could not write anything else until it was found.  Luckily I found it tonight!  I hadn't realized just how important it was to me until I couldn't find it.  My heart is in that book.  I feel like a band has been taken away from my it can expand again.  Freedom.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Had a good week for the most part.  Was actually able to sit down and get some work done this week.  Stressful, though.  Stress drove me.  I guess that is both good and bad.  Stress isn't really a good thing, but it did force me to be more productive.  Trying to look at the positive side so instead of saying to myself that I should have gotten more done or should have been working like this all along, I am congratulating myself for doing more than twice my recent average.  I also managed to get to three volleyball games, a sports pot luck that I didn't find out about until the afternoon of, and a dodgeball tournie!  And we even ate hot meals every night!  Whoohooo!  Apparently I had some pretty lucent moments this week.  A very positive thought to end the week with and a good feeling to carry over to the next.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rivers of thoughts

The words flow through my mind.
Like raging rivers after a torrential downpour.
Racing ever faster
Toward whatever end awaits.
The lone thought that I am looking for
Is somewhere in the midst
of the surging waters.
Lost to me
Until the storm subsides.
But it seems to be
That the storm is never ending.
Constantly flooding my mind.
Making it impossible to grasp
The one single thought
That I so desperately need to find.
That I need to capture.
One thought amid all the foam and spray.
Where is it?
I fear that my thoughts will forever be
Drowning in that torrent
Of the raging, frenzied river
That is my mind.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


No sooner do I post about finding strength than that strength is tested.  Boy what a day!  Woke up late to start with and that always makes for a not so fun start to the day.  Then I wasn't feeling good, mind scattered, headache.  Still grumpy when I picked N up from school and was not nice.  Her return attitude didn't help.  But when I needed it most I remembered my post from yesterday and was able to be strong.  We've gotten past the worst of it, thank heavens, and tomorrow is another day.  I am strong and I can handle whatever comes my way.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Finding Strength

Do you ever wonder where strength comes from?  I'm not talking physical strength, but that certain something that some people seem to have that helps them get through life.  I've always wondered because I never really believed that I had any.  I would watch other people and wonder to myself how they got through, how they dealt with all the things that people have to deal with.  I always feel like I'm falling apart when anything challenging comes up, like I'm just going to lose it at any minute.  I would look to those around me to hold me up believing that their strength and support is what made me strong, never really believing in my own ability to be strong.  Well guess what?  I found it!!!  In myself!  I am strong.  I don't need anyone else to make me strong.  Sure, there are times when it is good to lean on someone, let them support us.  But in the daily dealings of life, where I have always felt far less than adequate, I have learned that I can be strong.  I may not always do things right, make the right decision, or finish a project perfectly.  But, tell me, who does?  At least today, I feel like I could take on the world and win!  It's been inside of me the whole time.  Tomorrow is another day and that strength may falter, but now that I have put these words out there they are there to remind me of where I need to look when I need to be strong.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Sometimes I forget,
To express my thankfulness.
My immense and sometimes overwhelming,
Gratitude and appreciation for,
Everything and everyone
That has ever been a part of my life.
Sometimes I forget,
That without all those
People, places, and things,
Events and adventures,
Miracles and misfortunes
I would not be.
I would not be
Who I am now,
Where I am now.
I would not know
The wonderful love, affection, friendship.
All those miraculous events in my life.
Sometimes I forget.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Why do I find myself doing things that I don't really want to be doing,
but unable to stop?
Why do I feel like I'm making excuses when I say
that I just can't stop myself?
I don't know why I can't stop.
I don't know how to change it.
How do I make myself stop?
Were that it was just as easy as saying to myself, "STOP!"
I yearn to find a way,
to make the changes that you want me to make.
I struggle every day,
trying to make myself change,
then feeling useless and helpless
when I get through another day
having done the same things as before.
I want to change, really.
I don't like feeling this way, being this way.
I really want to change!
Why can I not hold on to the strength of that statement?
And why do I feel like you don't believe me?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Where are you?

I keep looking.
I know you're there somewhere.
What are you hiding from?
Why won't you come out?
I can't hear you.
You say there's a wall around you?
You can't find a way through?
You feel trapped.
I know that feeling.
Trapped inside myself.
Unable to find a way out.
Calling for help,
but nobody answers.
Where is everyone?
Why won't they help me?
I'm here, I'm here!
Somebody help me please!
I'm right here.
Is that you?
Yes, it's me....
The "me" you've always wanted to be.
I'm here but I can't find a way out.
Help me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Do you ever wonder?
What would happen if....?
I wonder what would happen.
What would happen if...
If I worked like I should,
what would happen?
If I had my emotions under control,
what would happen?
If my daughter could get some help,
what would happen?
If I felt better about myself,
what would happen?
I wonder, sure.
For some reason, though,
I cannot get a clear picture
of what would happen.
Would life be easier?
Would life be better?
Would I be happier?
I hope to find out.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A long day

Wake up in the morning,
not knowing what the day will bring.
Hoping and praying that
it will be a calm one.
Each hour that goes by,
every moment ticking away,
You know it brings you one step closer
to that explosion of temper and feelings.
How bad will it be this time?
And how will you react?
Will you be able to understand,
it's really not you Mom?
She had a bad day,
didn't get enough sleep.
The boy she likes didn't talk to her today.
Whatever the reason,
just remember...
It's not really you, Mom.
You are just the sounding board
for her emotions.
Where else can she turn and know
that she will be listened to and heard.
Held and loved.
Not criticized or ridiculed.
She would not behave that way if she wasn't secure.
Secure in the knowledge that she is loved.
And that means, Mom,
that you are doing something right.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A good night sleep

It is amazing what a good night's sleep can do for a person.  I slept for almost a total of 24 hours between Friday night and Saturday night!  Boy did I feel good on Sunday!  Alert, awake, able to get things done!  It actually makes me want to get a good amount of sleep each night, knowing how it makes me feel.  Yesterday I actually spent some time working, got about 6 loads of laundry washed, dried, and folded, cooked dinner, spent some time reading, and spent time playing my games.  Not all days will be great, I know, but if I can make small improvements in most days it is certainly worth getting to bed earlier.  I had energy!  I am so excited!  I know, I hear it from people all the time how getting enough sleep is so important, but sometimes you just have to figure it out for yourself!  Hopefully, the memory stays with me as life goes on!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Where does the time go?

I would swear that when I went to bed last night it was Monday, now here it is Thursday and I haven't posted  in a couple of days.  My hubby showed me an email that he got yesterday about ADHD and how you know you have it.  It was funny, but sort of frightening as it described me to a "T."   I've gotten to the point where I was so tired of being busy but not getting anything done that now I just sit and do what I want and not get anything done.  Kind of crazy thinking, but then when you have ADHD is it really "crazy?"  It's just the way my mind works.  I do, on occasion, get up and try to accomplish something.  Here's how it goes:

Doing laundry:  I will collect the dirty clothes from my room and put them in the washing machine.  Then I go to collect laundry from the kids' rooms (because I didn't tell them I was doing laundry so they had no opportunity to get it out for me which they do if I ask) and then notice all the dirty dishes in their rooms.  I take the dirty dishes into the kitchen where I notice that the dishwasher needs to be run so I put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and reach for the soap.  Oh my.  We are almost out of soap so I get a grocery list started which reminds me that I should gather coupons and try to make a menu for the upcoming week.  I spend some time looking up and printing coupons then on to looking up recipes for dinners that the kids might like that are not the "same old thing."  Before I know it my alarm goes off on my phone alerting me it's time for lunch.  Where did the morning go?  So, I go make my lunch and sit down at my desk to eat and play some games and read blogs and chat with friends.  The one hour that I had intended on taking to eat has turned into almost 2 hours!  So, taking my dirty dishes into the kitchen I, again, notice that the dishwasher needs to be run.  I put what's left of the soap in and start it up.  Counters are dirty so I wipe them down and sterilize the sponge in the microwave where it will be left until the next time someone uses the microwave where they will discover the sponge that we have been looking for all evening.  Then my next phone reminder goes off telling me it is almost time to pick up the kids at school.  Don't get to involved in anything at this point or I will be late getting out the door.  By the time I get home I have to cook dinner.  After dinner I am so exhausted that I can't even move off the couch let alone think about cleaning the kitchen or working.

That is my day when I attempt to get something done.  Very tiring and very frustrating when I know I've been busy but have nothing to show for it.  So, now I just don't do anything so everyone knows why I have gotten nothing done.  And anyone who thinks that doing nothing is easy, forget it.  That is just as exhausting as being run around busy.  I still sit on the couch after dinner and have no energy.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Thrifty Mommy giveaway

Just had to say something here about this great site called Thrifty Mommy.  Right now they are giving away some Quizno's gift cards.  I am hoping to get one for my family so we can try something from their new choose two menu.  Thanks Thrifty Mommy!

When I grow up...

What do I want to be...
When I grow up?
You might think,
"Aren't you already grown up?"
To that I say,
"Not even close!"
So what do I want to be?
I think I'd like to try something new.
How about a physicist?
Why not a police officer?
A writer?
A photographer?
I think I'd like to try something new.
When I grow up I want to be...
An adventurer!
Trying new things,
exploring new places,
meeting new people.
I want to enjoy what I do so much
that I can forget all the hard work
and responsibility of being a "grown up."
What fun is being grown up
if you don't have the freedom
to be an adventurer?
That's what I want to be,
when I finally grow up.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday mornings

Mondays have been one of my favorite days ever since my youngest was old enough to go to school.  Then I was actually at home alone with NO kids!  I love being with my kids, make no mistake.  I love it when we are one on one.  When they are together?  Run and hide!  Individually they are incredible people - kind, funny, considerate.  All the things you want your kids to be.  When they are together they both revert to the behavior of misbehaving 3 year olds!  They can't help but pick at each other, tripping, poking, calling names, and on and on and on!  That's when I want to lock myself in a padded, sound-proofed room and just scream and pound my head against the wall.  Monday's are my refuge.  It is only then that I can really breathe and let my shoulders relax.  As the week goes on I can feel those muscles getting tense in anticipation of the weekend.  And watch out if it's a long weekend or school vacation!  By Thursday I am a basket case waiting for the inevitable.  Even after school each day they go at it.  As soon as they are in the same room/car together it starts.

So today, a Monday that comes just one week before a school vacation, I am going to enjoy my peace and quiet by playing really LOUD music and acting like the kind of mom that would really embarrass the kids if they were to see me.  Heck, maybe I'll still be going like that when I pick them up and I really can embarrass them.  That is what parents live for once their kids get old enough to care, right?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Unfinished gifts

Well, the baby shower is over but my work is not.  Still have a baby hat to crochet and maybe another bib.  Luckily the pressure has lessened.  Now I just have to remember to actually do them.  This is another one of my strong points - finishing part of a gift but not the rest.  I still have a placemat to make for my niece that I started for Xmas of 2008!   Wow!  Of course I still have ornaments that I started in 2006 that never got finished.  8)

So is the pressure on myself really any less than it was before?  I am thinking not.  I still put a lot of pressure on myself to get these things done and then feel guilty if I don't get them finished. Each time I swear that it will be different and each time ends up the same. And then what happens?  I feel even more guilty and put the project away so I don't have be reminded of the fact that it didn't get done.  No wonder I love being "alone" so much.  I'm never really alone.  Guilt seems to be my constant companion.  Hmmmm.  I'll have to do something about that because I really do enjoy peaceful aloneness.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You know you have ad/hd when.....

You are reading a craft blog and are reminded of the date (because that is a challenge to keep track of), then you look at the calendar and realize that you have a baby shower to go to tomorrow and you haven't figured out yet what you are going to make let alone find the material, and you don't have enough money to go buy a gift.  Then you finally figure out what you are going to make, believing the whole time that it won't take that long so you go on with what you were doing before you stopped and took two hours looking through baby gift ideas, and the whole project slips your mind again.  At lunch time you remember and think, "Oh I still have time.  I'll do it tonight."  All this time knowing full well that you will be up until who knows what time trying to finish this gift before the shower tomorrow but not being able to "make" yourself do anything differently.

And if all that wasn't enough, this post should be proof!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A homecoming

I love it when my husband comes home from being out of town.  The only issue I have is that I have to scramble to get the house clean before he gets here...well, okay, not clean but at least looking better than it did.  He's used to a messy house but when he's gone it's gone as well.  So in the couple of hours before he gets home you can usually find me scrambling to pick up the kids dirty socks, washing dirty dishes that don't go in the dishwasher, folding who knows how many loads of laundry, making the bed, wiping down the bathroom, and on, and on, and on.  Consequently, by the time he actually gets home I'm so tired from running around that I don't have the energy to greet him properly.

And at the end of the night, he's asleep on the couch.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Another day in my head

Each day seems like a roller coaster.
My head rocketing this way and that.
Thoughts streaking past too fast to grasp.
Someday I know I'm gonna catch one of those suckers.
And when I do....
When I do....
Well, I don't know what I'll do then.
But those thoughts had better watch out!
Until I do, though,
I think I'll go check on my farm and my aquarium and my ranch and my garden and my pets and go to wizard school and fight some vampires and hang with my mafia for a while and feed the animals at my zoo.
And while I'm doing those things.....let's see...
Oh, I'll research some colleges and check out new recipes and get some craft ideas and read blogs and check my emails.
I'm really tired.
I think I'll let those thoughts go until tomorrow.
After a good night's sleep
I know I'll be ready to catch some of them.